Of Men and Their Kittens
by enigmatic.typewriter
Summary: In which kittens are cuddled, Neji despairs, and Tenten is to blame. Pure fluff with a ridiculously pointless plot. Contains teeth-rotting sweetness. Rated T, because I'm paranoid.
1. 1: In Which Sleep Is Lost

**D: **Unless I fly to Japan, seduce Masashi Kishimoto, and convince him to marry me, I will never own Naruto.

**S: **In which kittens are cuddled, Neji despairs, and Tenten is to blame.

**N: **All reason aside, this was fun to write. Contains cavity-inducing sweetness and probable OOC. My apologies for ruining your teeth, I really am sorry.

* * *

**Of Men and Their Kittens**

Chapter 1 – In Which Sleep Is Lost

_Written By _

_Sound Showers_

"Absolutely not."

Tenten, he thought incredulously, had lost her mind. In fact, he seriously considered slamming the door in her face. Understandable, seeing as his teammate really should have known better than to ask such an idiotic question. For one thing, it was two o'clock in the morning. Secondly, while Tenten may have been his teammate and closest friend, she still had about ten seconds before he planned on going back to bed.

"Neji, I swear to god, if you don't help me I will cut off your hair!"

He shut the door anyways, pinching the bridge of his nose. Then he realized what she had just said.

"_Tenten_..." Neji growled, reopening the door, his features arranged in what could only be described as an exhausted scowl. "Don't touch my hair," he murmured vaguely, concluding that his brain didn't function properly when he was woken at such an hour.

If she hadn't been in the process of freezing her ass off, Tenten would have laughed at his unusually dishevelled appearance. Admittedly, he did look rather adorable with his hair swept back in a messy ponytail, but then she remembered she was supposed to be mad at him -_right, pompous ass-_ and the kunoichi's glare quickly intensified.

"You've got five seconds, Neji..." She warned, wedging a kunai between the door so that he couldn't close it properly.

_This, _Neji decided, _is idiotic. I will not-_

"Two..." Tenten's voice grew dangerously soft, her bandaged fingers curling around another pointed object.

"I'm not going to help you take care of (he winced slightly) _kittens. _What were you _thinking?_"

"I don't know what the hell I was thinking, but I do know that I can't look after all six of them!" Throwing her hands up in exasperation, Tenten leaned heavily against the doorframe, ignoring Neji's small noise of protest. "And I'm _not_ asking Lee," she added as an afterthought.

To be fair, Neji wholeheartedly agreed with her. Unsurprisingly, their spandex-clad teammate had developed an infamous habit of befriending exotic creatures, several of which he attempted to smuggle back with him. The Hyuuga grumbled something incoherent, cursing his atrocious luck.

"What makes you think I'll be of any use in this matter?" he inquired blearily, wondering if bashing his head against the wall would solve anything. "Ask Sakura... or Ino, I really don't care." He was fighting a loosing battle (something Neji was never capable of wining when Tenten demanded things of him at two o'clock in the morning) and the notion left him cranky. _That's it, _he thought dazedly, _I choose the wall. _

Rolling her eyes, Tenten jabbed a finger into his chest, punctuating each word with a sharp prod. "Just. Say. _Yes_." she huffed, making a wild grab for the prodigy's prized locks. "I can't ask either of them because Ino's allergic and Sakura's got a broken leg!" Then, as if to further torture him, Tenten added, "And also because I blew up my apartment."

"You _what?!" _

Of all the possible answers she could have given him, blowing up one's apartment had not crossed his mind. Given Tenten's love of weaponry (which ranged from the standard kunai to the completely absurd, such as frying pans), Neji was forced to admit that, as ridiculous as it sounded, blowing up her apartment had been a disaster just waiting to happen. Case in point the homeless, and sheepish-looking weapon mistress standing on his doorstep.

At two o'clock in the bloody morning.

"I _blew up_ my _apartment_, Neji." Tenten chided, as though she were telling a disobedient child that, _why yes, one plus one does equal two, and no, that chunk of dirt does not belong in your mouth. _"Think, giant mushroom cloud, because that's essentially what happened!"

Finding he didn't have anything concrete to say, Neji sighed, reluctantly moving away from the door so that she could pass.

"Hn."

The look Tenten gave him as she ducked under his arm was one of extreme gratitude, and some mortifying part of him decided that she ought to blow up her apartment more often. He might have forgiven her for waking him at such an ungodly hour if she hadn't forced a box of kittens into his arms. Trying to look as dignified as he could with an armful of -he blinked- _purring_, fluff, Neji rounded on Tenten.

"Tenten..."

"Neji."

"Tenten!"

"..."

"..."

"...Gai-sensei?"

At this, Neji's scowl became positively murderous. "They can't stay here. If Lady Hinata were to see them, I'd spend the rest of my life living in a house full of... _cats_."

Tenten didn't like how he empathized the word 'cat', it suggested a significant dislike for aforementioned creature. "What do you have against cats, anyways?" He couldn't possibly find them as repulsive as he did canines! _Besides,_ she thought, t_hese __were__ kittens!_ Surely even Neji had a soft spot for their cute factor.

_Evidently not. _

There was a moment of silence in which the hyuuga prodigy deposited the cardboard box some few feet away. Then, he turned to her with a weary, somewhat exasperated look. "I'm going back to bed," he stated bluntly, running a hand through his tangled hair. "You can take the room adjacent my own, it's not used anymore."

Nodding, Tenten stooped, picking up the makeshift cat carrier, murmuring something that sounded a lot like, "Great. Thanks, Neji."

The scent of gunpowder clung to her skin like a smoky perfume, and he wrinkled his nose, somehow managing to look deprecating even in his dishevelled state. "The answer is still no," he gestured at the cardboard box in her hands. "Some of us value the limited amount of sleep we get." In reply, she merely stuck her tongue out at him, tipping the box slightly so that it's (admittedly, very cute) contents were made visible.

"We'll see about that."

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**N: **So there you have it, Chapter 1 done and done! Leaving a review is entirely optional, and I don't want to pressure you into it, but they really are appreciated. Up next: Chapter 2


	2. 2 : Extra Sugar All Around

**N: **First of all, I want to thank all of you for your amazing feedback! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! That aside, there isn't much else to say, so I'll sit back and let y'all enjoy.

**D: **Does it _look_ like I own Naruto? (The answer is no, obviously.)

**S: **In which Neji unwillingly becomes the Kitten Whisper, Tenten looks downright adorable, and there's an extra sprinkling of sugar all around.

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**OF MEN AND THEIR KITTENS**

Chapter 2: In Which There's An Extra Sprinkling of Sugar All Around

_Written By Sound Showers_

Neji was woken again- this time at six in the morning, and this time by means of an infernal rumbling in his ear. Blinking groggily, he propped himself up on one shoulder, frowning in confusion as a weight in his hair prevented him from doing so. Though he had his suspicions, Neji still wasn't prepared to find a purring ball of fluff burrowed in his prized, Hyuuga locks.

Prodding the kitten experimentally, he sighed, instantly regretting it as said animal squeaked endearingly, blinking up at him with innocent eyes. Great, the damned creatures had been here less than three hours, and already he could feel himself giving in. Seeing no alternative, Neji gently pried the kitten from his hair, padding wearily towards the bedroom door, which had been left ajar. Against his better judgement, he gave the cat a little scratch beneath its chin, almost jealous of the wondrously soft fur that slid between his fingers.

Naturally, Neji planned on putting the cat back where it belonged- presumably, with the rest of its litter, wherever that might be. Remembering that Tenten had kept them in a cardboard box, he crossed the hall, hesitated for several seconds, then stepped noiselessly inside the spare bedroom. Pointedly avoiding looking at the slim figure curled beneath the sheets, Neji hovered uncertainly in the doorway. Then, as his eyes adjusted, he let out a soft groan- for it quickly became apparent that the box was now empty.

He was about to back out of the room entirely, when a glint of amber caught his eye. It took several seconds before his scattered brain told him he was looking at a pair of cat eyes. With the air of one being submitted to extreme torture, he let his gaze hover over the bed.

_Big mistake._

For one thing, he felt awkward enough lurking around his sleeping teammate. Secondly, she was curled into a tight ball, hair curtaining her face, a kitten tucked under her chin, and looking altogether adorable. Neji kicked himself mentally a million times over. This was completely ridiculous. Obviously, his brain couldn't filter itself properly at six o'clock in the morning. Feeling flustered (and trying not to stare at his best friend), he deposited the missing kitten, hurried out the door, and locked himself in his room.

"I hate my life," Neji told his bed miserably. It didn't respond, but if it could, he thought it probably would have berated him for being such an idiot.

"_Of course_ she had to blow up her apartment, o_f course_ she found a way to drag me into it, o_f course_ she suddenly had the urge to foster a whole litter of kittens and set them loose in my house." The piteous lament did not impress his bed, which remained unmoved and silent before him- in fact, the damned thing seemed to be smirking at him.

Upon waking, he found, to his horror, that he was covered in cat hair.

* * *

The next morning, Tenten, looking considerably more cheerful than she had several hours ago, cheerily informed Neji that he looked like hell. Prodding him with her spoon she added, "Oh, and I found three shuriken hidden under my pillow, too, which was pleasant."

Twirling a kunai idly around her index finger, the kunoichi's grin grew wider. "I told Hinata, by the way, and she won't have you throwing those poor, defenceless, kittens out the door."

"Hn." Neji glared some more, though the sleep-deprived Hyuuga hardly managed to look threatening in his current state. "She's forgotten about Hiashi," he stated meekly, suddenly remembering that they were out of tea. The knowledge left him feeling crankier than ever, and it was only through an enormous amount of self-restraint, that he refrained from smashing his face against the table.

It was going to be a _long_ day.

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**N: **Yes, I know. It's kind of short and ends rather abruptly. BUT I WANTED TO POST, SO BITE ME. :P Hope my horrible case of writer's block (and newfound inability to write) didn't cause you to run, screaming from this fanfic. ...Reviews are helpful?


	3. 3 : Of Snowballs and Bathrooms

**N: **Finally! Dear god, this took me forever to write. I probably ended up deleting the entire chapter five times before things looked even remotely presentable. Having writer's block sucks ass, as I'm sure you all know. Anyways, I just want to add that updates may be a bit slow in future as I hope to work on a Christmas drabble as well. Also, I'm so shit-deep in neglected homework, I'll likely drown.

**D: **I DON'T OWN NARUTO.

**S: **In which Tenten floods the bathroom, among other things.

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Of Men and Their Kittens

_In Which Tenten __Floods The Bathroom_

* * *

"You're flooding my house," Neji commented dryly, eyeing the alarming amount of water rippling across his bathroom floor.

"Oh, shut up."

Scowling, Tenten aimed a kick in his general direction, looking considerably irked and a whole lot exasperated. She was bent double over the bathtub, hands clamped firmly around a mewling kitten. Her arms throbbed painfully as she plunged them back into the lukewarm bath water, growling in frustration. One did not simply bathe a cat without going through compete and utter hell. Cursing as the tiny animal dug razor sharp claws into her skin, she whirled around to glare murderously at Neji.

"Sure! Just stand there, why don't you!? It's not like I could use your help or anything!"

Neji shrugged, somewhat distracted as he continued to chase after a particularly towel-evasive kitten.

"You did not instruct me to assist you in the washing process, so I didn't."

Tenten just about lost it.

"Oh, for- Neji!" she shrieked, pelting him with soapy water. "Get your ass over here and help me!" Letting out a small squeak of pain (the kitten had found better leverage in her hair, which was exceptionally painful), Tenten prepared to hurl more water at the Hyuuga.

With an exasperated sigh, Neji pried the soaking animal from his teammate's dark tresses, smirking slightly as he did so. "The next time you decide to actively destroy my house, I suggest you give me a fair warning."

_"... GODDAMNIT, NEJI!"_

* * *

Long story short; there was a considerable amount of mopping to do.

"This is all your fault," Neji stated pointedly, brow furrowing as he contemplated the thoroughly ruined paint job. They'd been at this for hours now, and the Hyuuga was wondering how on earth he was supposed to explain this to his uncle. It had quickly become apparent that the wooden floorboards stood little chance of survival. Not only were they soaking wet, the slender planks had swollen to half their original size, and no amount of mopping would salvage them now.

"You provoked me!"

"Only because I value having a roof over my head!"

"The kittens-"

"-Are going to ruin my life!"

"_Neji..."_

"Tenten."

"Neji!"

"...!"

She opened her mouth to speak, and he thought it necessary to add, "by the gods, Tenten, if you say 'Gai-sensei' one more time..."

"... Bastard."

With a little hiss, Tenten stomped forwards, grumbling curse words under her breath. _He did that on purpose, conceited asshole. _Fuming, she waved a hand dismissively, shoving the mildly amused prodigy with significantly more force than necessary.

"Will you move!?"

He didn't bother hiding his smirk this time. "Or what?" and, as if to further irritate her, he reclined against the wooden doorframe, very much enjoying himself.

That made one of them, at least.

Positively fuming, the weapon mistress extended an elegant finger, prodding him, none too gently, with each word.

"It."

_Poke._

"Was"

_Poke._

"You."

"Excuse me?" Neji raised a tapered brow, fixating her with his typical, _I'm-Hyuuga-Neji-and-I-Know-What's-Best, _looks. "I beg to differ."

This time, Tenten really did kick him.

"You're impossible," she huffed angrily, resting a hand on her hip.

He scowled, not appreciating the newfound pain in his shins.

"... And _you're_ a menace to society."

Even so, Neji withdrew from the doorway, pinching the bridge of his nose for what must have been the millionth time that day. Feeling somewhat victorious, Tenten stomped past him, making sure to not-so-discreetly knee him on her way out, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like, "asshat."

* * *

Snow in Konoha was rare. They were accustomed to relatively mild winters in which the closet it ever came to snowing, was a steady downpour of freezing cold rain. Also mud. Lots and lots of mud. Unsurprisingly, the vast majority of Konoha generally lost their minds when it did end up snowing. It didn't matter if there was hardly enough to cover the ground, much less build a snowman, one might have thought it a national holiday. Of course, if they were fortunate enough to have a white Christmas... _then_ the sky literally started shitting rainbows and unicorns.

Unlike his teammates, Neji did not enjoy frolicking through the heavy snowdrifts, and he especially disliked hurling compacted balls of ice. He later discovered that, receiving the aforementioned ball of ice in his face, was about ten times worse. Apparently, Tenten had decided to overlook that last bit, because halfway through their usual spars, something very hard, very cold, and certainly very wet, collided with the back of his neck.

_Thud._

Whirling around, he glared at the suspected kunoichi, who immediately rearranged her features into a look of inquisitive innocence.

"Yes?" she questioned amicably, "is there something wrong?"

Neji's stinkeye intensified significantly at this statement.

"Hn."

Reaching up to brush the snow of his shoulder, he resumed his meditation, brow furrowing minutely. If this was payback for taunting her earlier that day (and it obviously was), he silently vowed to be more discreet in his pissing off of Konoha's weapon mistress.

Tenten just grinned wickedly, having forgiven him the minute her snowball smashed into his back. _This_, she thought, _was the perfect revenge. _Lee, who'd been watching from a little ways away, also shared his teammate's mischievous smile. Seeing Neji get pelted with snow never failed to amuse him. For a while, there was no more throwing of snowballs. Instead, both Tenten and Lee engrossed themselves in their training, occasionally commenting on the other's skills.

_Thud._

At this, Neji was on his feet in a matter of seconds, turning to face the direction from which the offending snowball had come.

"Tenten!"

Arriving by the kunoichi's side, Neji reached forwards and grasped a handful of the girl's clothes, jerking his friend towards him until they were face to face. His voice had lowered to a near lethal tone.

"By the gods, Tenten," he hissed, "if you do that one more time-"

"Do what, Neji-kun?" the weapon mistress inquired innocently, her right hand unobtrusively releasing the ball of compressed snow held within its grasp.

"I think you know exactly what I mean, _Tenten-chan_," the Hyuuga replied, his latter words laced with heavy sarcasm. "If this happens again, I'll Jyuuken the living daylights out of whoever is responsible." Having finished his vehement threat, Neji shoved the kunoichi away from him and stalked back to his place beneath the oak tree, muttering something incoherent.

Lee caught Tenten's eye and they exchanged grins, happily recognizing the growing irritation of their teammate. Contrary to popular belief, the two nin secretly enjoyed goading, provoking, and generally annoying one another. Lee knew better, though, and as Team Gai resumed their habitual training, he kept a close eye on both Hyuuga and weapon mistress, feeling certain that there was more to come. Sure enough, several minutes later he spotted Tenten casting a fleeting glance in Neji's direction, stooping momentarily before straightening, her hand clenched tightly around another Byakugan-directed missile.

_Thud._

Not unlike a ballerina on steroids, Neji spun around, initiating his Jyuuken, all in one swift motion. Before he could carry out his threat, however, Lee's voice rang out across the snowy clearing.

"Neji, my eternal rival!" The Green Beast waved pumped an arm up and down energetically. "WATCH THIS!" And, before the startled prodigy could so much as protest, Lee's hastily thrown snowball smashed into his face. Tenten doubled over laughing, tears of mirth running down her rosy cheeks.

"That... (gasp) was... amazing, Lee!"

He smiled, relieved to have saved his OTP from a terrible fate.

"YOSH! Such is the power of youth!"

Neji was going to _kill_ them all.

It was then that Hanabi, accompanied by a flustered-looking Hinata, chose the perfect moment to intrude. Seizing her chance, Tenten, who was closest to the raging Hyuuga prodigy, and first in line to be slaughtered, quickly pelted Hanabi with snow. Hinata's sister froze, slowly turning around, a demonic look in her eye as she stormed towards the one she thought was responsible.

"You... you... NEJI!" Hanabi roared, effectively scaring the shit out of all who were present. "You are _SO_ dead!"

Her cousin looked rather affronted at this accusation. "You are mistaken, Hanabi," he protested, hands raised before him in offended innocence (and also because Hanabi looked positively murderous). "Why would I throw a snowball at you?"

It was Hanabi's turn to look disbelieving. "Right, and I suppose that snowball just hit me of its own accord then," she demanded angrily, swatting furiously at the glistening droplets in her hair.

"Don't be a fool," Neji replied coldly, "Tenten is the one responsible."

At this, Hanabi turned to look at the kunoichi in question, who had, by this time, resumed her throwing of sharp objects at various trees.

"_Tenten!?"_ Hiashi's daughter repeated, "What reason would _she_ have to hurl a snowball at me?!"

"Many come to mind, but I suggest you ask her yourself."

"..._OI! GET BACK HERE, YOU ASSHOLE!"_

Needless to say, Hanabi proceeded to beat the living hell out of her esteemed cousin. As for Neji... _just wait till he got his hands on the idiots he had for teammates!_

* * *

**N: **Reviews are welcomed and appreciated. Thank you! (I'm going to tray and incorporate the Christmas spirit into this fanfic. Wish me luck!)


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